Zachary's Lecture
by Yuki Neco
Summary: Collection of skits centering Zachary's (Takashi Yamazaki's) untrue stories to amuse or confuse his classmates, particularly targeting Sakura and Li.
1. Chapter 1

Sorry to Cardcaptors haters...

These skits are written with characters referred to as Cardcapters names. For instance, Sakura Kinomoto is referred to as Sakura Avalon, Syaoran Li as Li Showron, Tomoyo Daidouji as Madison Taylor, Takashi Yamazaki as Zachary, Kaho Mizuki as Layla MacKenzie, etc.

Preface

These skits are made-up conversation featuring Zachary's (Yamazaki's) untrue stories. I hope you readers will enjoyed and laugh reading the skits. Thank you.

**Zachary's Lecture**

by Yuki Neco

1. Dolls in Ancient Times

**Sakura**: Say, Rita, you're making a doll? You're pretty good at needle work, aren't you?

**Rita**: Thank you.

**Madison**: Yeah, she's really dexterous!

**Nikki**: This doll kind of looks like someone we know...

**Rita**: [Blushes]

**Zachary**: Did you know that dolls used to be men's item in old times?

**Sakura**: Hoe?

**Zachary**: Those dolls looked exactly like living persons, and was as big as this human size.

**Sakura**: Why that big?

**Zachary**: Good question, Sakura. Those explorers took the dolls along with them when they took on a long-term exploration on a freezing desert continent, where they missed their wives or girlfriends.

**Sakura**: Huh-huh.

**Zachary**: Those dolls had a fabulous device to remind the explorers of their wives or girlfriends. When they used the device, the explorers could feel a fabulous ecstasy. But this guy fell into that fabulous ecstasy, he got to take his doll even when he was around home. One day, his obsession caused this trouble, and...

**Chelsea**: All right, all right, that's all for today.

**Nikki**: Did you follow today's Zachary's lie? What did it mean?

**Madison**: Good Chelsea stopped his story, that was kind of obscene.

**Sakura**: What? That's not the truth?

* * *

2. Cute Present

**Chelsea**: Our math teacher, Ms. Karski's got a new baby, so she had to be away from school for a while.

**Sakura**: Really?

**Nikki**: It must be a cute baby.

**Zachary**: Did you know that a stork brings a baby to the parents?

**Sakura**: Hoe?

**Rita**: But it sounds unreal that a stork carries a human baby.

**Zachary**: Not so unreal. The stork gives a baby to the husband and wife deeply in love with each other, just as a sign of gratitude.

**Madison**: Gratitude... For what?

**Zachary**: The stork flies all over the world to watch the husbands and wives in the world. When the stork can peep in the house where the husband and wife are loving each other, the delighted stork will pay for the scene with a baby.

**Sakura**: Pay for the scene? What scene?

**Zachary**: Want to know? You're a naughty girl, Sakura.  
OK, I'll tell you what.

At the next minute, Chelsea punches Zachary in the chin, and he falls backward before she drags him out.

* * *

3. Aroma Pencils

**Layla**: Hey, what are you guys doing?

**Sakura**: Hi, Ms. Mackenzie. Smell this pencil, it's fantasitc.

**Layla**: Wow, it smells like a gum tree.

**Rita**: You can enjoy a different scent with this one.

**Nikki**: This smells good, too.

**Layla**: Well, a lavender and a rosemary. Where did you get these?

**Madison**: Actually, my mom gave me some samples of new products, and I thought I'd share them with everyone.

**Layla**: Different colors for different smells. Aroma-therapeutic pencils, aren't they?

**Zachary**: Did you know aroma works good on your mentalities? For instance, a lavender relieves your tension, an orange eases your grief or anxiety. And a gum tree strengthens your concentration, so it's very useful when you study.

**Layla**: Oh, Zachary, I see you know a lot about aromatherapy.  
By the way, can I try yours, Chelsea? Hmm, it smells like a geranium. It relieves your tensions, too, right?

**Zachary**: That's right.  
Why don't you try this one, Ms. Mackenzie?

**Layla**: Let's see... Uh-oh, no, thanks.

**Zachary**: Why not? That's not fair, Ms. Mackenzie!

**Layla**: I don't know what you're up to. It's chloroform, isn't it?

**Zachary**: Well... um... uh... How do you think so?

**Layla**: Just a feeling.

**Chelsea**: Hey, what are you gonna do to Ms. Mackenzie? Come with me, jerk.

**Zachary**: Heh heh heh, ouch! I didn't tell any lies.

**Chelsea**: So what? Unforgivable!

It is a fact or not—but the rumor said that Chelsea chloroformed Zachary with his own made-up pencil, and then threw him into the ditch near Reedington library.

* * *

4. Computer Virus

**Madison**: Not again.

**Sakura**: What's the matter, Madison?

**Madison**: [Showing her laptop] Here, I got an e-mail, but a strange file is enclosed without any explanations.

**Sakura**: What's that supposed to mean?

**Madison**: I'd better not open it. It's got to be a computer virus.

**Sakura**: Hoe?

**Madison**: Uh-oh, it was sent from Mr. Terada!

The class president (Zachary) comes in.

**Zachary**: Hi, Class, next class is a study hall.

**Class: **How come?

**Zachary**: There's this big trouble in the staff room. Teachers were all upset because of a computer virus or something.

**Madison**: Like I thought, Mr. Terada must've opened the infected file.

**Sakura**: Wait. I don't get it. Virus, infected file?

**Zachary**: Computers in the staff room have caught some virus. You know, a disease passes from person to person. A computer virus passes through the network from computer to computer in the same manner. The infected computer becomes not only defective but also vicious sending infected e-mails to spread viruses.

**Sakura**: So, Mr. Terada's computer, and Madison's are...

**Zachary**: Yeah, too bad, Mr. Terada's computer is definitely infected. But Madison is safe, because she deleted the file instead of opening it.

**Sakura**: Close call, Madison.

**Zachary**: You can't be sure yet.

**Sakura**: What do you mean?

**Zachary**: At least some computers in the staff room are already infected. Now teachers are trying to restore the resources, but if it takes too long, computer viruses can be inhaled in human bodies.

**Sakura**: Hoeee...

**Li**: Is it tolerant to antibiotics?

**Zachary**: Search me... it's recently discovered. There may be a case that your mystic herbal medicine from Hong Kong can cure, but I'm not sure.

**Sakura**: Then what's the symptom if you catch it?

**Zachary**: If you catch it, you'll act strange just like busted computers. And you'll stay up late to seek for deep information on the internet, make up weird skits and put them up in your website... really horrible.

**Sakura**: Sounds so scary...

* * *

5. Tricks and Pickpockets

Zachary is showing his conjuring trick to his friends.

**Zachary**: Now, look at this ball, and... See?

**Sakura**: Wow, disappeared! I didn't know you had a magical power...

**Madison**: Not really, Sakura. That's a trick.

**Chelsea**: You're really skilled, a liar though.

**Sakura**: How did you do that trick?

**Zachary**: You will never know, Sakura.

**Eli**: The trick may be simple, but the trick seems interesting as long as you don't know what.

**Zachary**: Eli is right. By the way, did you know a pickpocket is the one who invented the conjuring tricks?

**Sakura**: [Shakes head] Are you sure?

**Zachary**: Yep. A pickpocket is suppose to stealthly pick up a wallet out of your poket, right? What counts is how stealthly you steal the wallet without being noticed. Conjuring tricks started to discipline people for that stealth technique.

**Madison**: Oh.

**Eli**: That's right. What's needed for conjuring tricks is to have all your fingers nimble, that also worked good on their pickpocket jobs.

**Zachary**: So in the ancient times, a conjuror was often suspected of stealing something.

**Sakura**: Hoeee...

**Zachary**: Anyway, what kind of person do you think picked a pocket?

**Nikki**: Poor ones.

**Zachary**: That's not all. Hard to imagine, but rich people used to pick pockets for a pastime.

**Madison**: I kind of understand. Sometimes I'm nearly tempted. (Hey! ^^;)

**Eli**: Conjuring tricks spread in the society since the Middle Ages, and became a culture in the nobility. British gentlemen used to study conjuring tricks as their education. But as a negative effect, it encouraged them to pick others' pockets.

**Sakura**: Is that so.

**Zachary**: Yes. A great conjuror can be a skilled pickpocket after all.

**Madison**: Coming from England, have you studied some tricks, Eli?

**Eli**: Yes, a little. When it comes to me, I use the tricks to give you a little something without even being noticed, not for picking a pocket.

**Chelsea**: Hey, did you hear that? That's how he's different than you, Zachary. You've got to stop lying, and do what's good for people for a change!

**Madison**: Could you show us your trick?

**Eli**: Oh, I've already done.

**Sakura**: You have? What?

**Eli**: That is a secret. But maybe... you'll know what.

**Sakura**: Hoe?

**Chelsea**: Hey, what's poking out your pocket, Zachary?

**Zachary**: Huh?

**Chelsea**: What is it, a woman's underwear?! Gross, you're a underwear caper! More disgusting than a pickpocket!

**Zachary**: Wait a sec! I didn't do that.

**Chelsea**: You liar! I'm not gonna forgive you!

**Zachary**: Uh, I guess Eli did it.

**Chelsea**: How could you think he did it?! Hey, you! Whose underwear is it?! Tell me!

**Zachary**: Oh, no! Aw! Stop it!

**Eli**: [Chuckles and mutters to himself in Clow Reed's voice] That's Madison's.

* * *

6. Origin of Soccer

**Chelsea**: Oh, seems like I left it at home.

**Nikki**: What did you leave at home?

**Chelsea**: My mallet.

Hearing the conversation, Zachary chuckles and walks up to Sakura.

**Zachary**: Hi, Sakura. Do you know that soccer started in England when a thief was stealing a watermelon?

**Sakura**: Are you sure?

**Zachary**: Yep! One day, this thief was caught by the farmer when he was stealing a watermelon, and he had his wrists bound on his back. But when the farmer got his eyes off, the thief ran away. His wrists were tightly tied up, so he ran and kicked the watermelon home. That was the world's first dribble.

**Sakura**: Talk about his talent...

**Zachary**: On the other hand, the farmer was so pissed off that he found out the thief's hideout and ended up setting the house on fire.

**Sakura**: Hoeee...

**Zachary**: The history calls the farmer as the world's first hooligan.

**Sakura**: Oh, I didn't know that.

At this moment, Chelsea jumps at Zachary and hits him.

**Chelsea**: He was just lying.

**Sakura**: Lying?

**Zachary**: Didn't you leave your mallet at home...? [Passes out]

Mr. Terada comes into the class room.

**Terada**: Does somebody know, where's the hammer that was just right here?

**Eli**: I think I saw Chelsea using it.

* * *

7. Global Warming

**Sakura**: Hauu... way too hot!

**Madison**: You're right. The weather forecast said the temperature'd get 95 today.

**Sakura**: But my dad told me it wasn't this hot when he was a kid.

**Eli**: Global warming. We didn't have air conditioners in ancient times like we now do, but it was tolerable then.

**Madison**: We, Eli? Sounds like you lived that many years ago.

**Eli**: Oops... Never mind.

**Zachary**: The global warming results from our civilization. The modern society is heating the world year by year.

**Madison**: That sounds like true.

**Chelsea**: Let's see now, we'll never know.

**Zachary**: As you guys know, the earth revolves around the sun, rotating. In other words, the part of the earth facing the sun is in the daytime, and the other side is in the night.

**Madison**: So, does it have anything to do with the warming?

**Zachary**: Yeah. Just because of 7-11s and amusement places, a lot of boys and girls fool around after midnight nowadays, right? Those people walk, run, and jump when the earth is facing the other way from the sun, then the earth is kicked toward the sun as the equal reaction. That's why the earth is gradually falling closer to the sun these days.

**Sakura**: You mean, we'll be eventually swallowed in the sun?

**Zachary**: The more people walk out at night the faster it'd get.

**Sakura**: Hoeeee.

**Zachary**: If you don't like the global warming, you shouldn't fool around at night.

**Sakura**: I got it...

**Chelsea**: OK, I think beating you up hard in the daytime can stop the earth from the global warming as the equal reaction.

**Zachary**: Wh-what?

* * *

8. Hypnotism

**Chelsea**: Hey, did you guys watch last night's TV program that featured a great hypnotist.

**Madison**: Yes, I did. It was really amazing! I didn't know people were easy to be hypnotized like that.

**Sakura**: I watched that too! The people got hypnotized and acted like a baby, ET, dog, and... It was so incredible, Dad and Tori were also astounded!

**Zachary**: Did you know that hypnotism started in ancient Egypt for the pharaoh to govern his reign in peace?

**Chelsea**: Not again...

**Zachary**: You've heard of the name Amenhotep III?

**Madison**: Yeah, know as the Sun King, isn't it?

**Zachary**: Yes! He took throne of Egypt at the age of 12, and his reign was the relative peace and prosperity.

**Chelsea**: Does it have anything to do with hypnotism?

**Zachary**: Yes, of course. When he was new on the throne, he was so infamous for his tyranny, there happened riots from time to time.

**Chelsea**: Are you sure?

**Zachary**: Yeah, it's true! Right, Eli?

**Eli**: Yes, I am glad you know a lot about Amenhotep III. Many people are more interested in his son and grandson, Akhenaten and Tutankhamun. Anyway, during Amenhotep III's era, ancient Egyptians were groaning over the heavy taxes imposed.

**Zachary**: Frustrated in the tyranny, the citizens often attacked Amenhotep's palace. The pharaoh finally thought up that controlling people's mind would make them his docile dogs.

**Eli**: Then he studied various people's reaction toward many kinds of situations, until he discovered the procedures to control people's emotion. This was the first hypnotism in the history.

**Sakura**: Is that so...

**Zachary**: Thanks to his own invention, Amenhotep III managed his reign very peacefully, and it lasted no less than about 40 years.

**Sakura**: Impressive! I didn't know hypnotism was invented that long ago.

**Madison**: If you were a hypnotist, what would you like to do, everyone?

**Sakura**: Uh... I'd hypnotize Tori into the experience that he was stomped by a _kaijuu_, like Godzilla!

**Zachary**: I would hypnotize Madison, and...

**Chelsea**: Hey, what the heck do you have in your mind? What'd you like to do to Madison, you idiot?

**Zachary**: Aw! I was just trying to say... uh... right... so that she'd give me oodles of money.

**Chelsea**: You liar, that's not what you were thinking. You just looked like a dirty old man! Come with me, jerk! [Drags Zachary by the earlobe out the spot]

**Zachary**: Awww! Let go of me, Chelsea!

**Madison**: Hohohoho...

**Sakura**: Hey, how about you, Eli? What would you do, if you could master hypnotism?

**Eli**: Hypnotism is not a special skill. Now you guys are acting just the way I thought you would, heh heh.

**Sakura**: You mean you already hypnotized all of us? Come on, you gotta be kidding, aren't you?

**Eli**: Heh heh, God only knows...

* * *

9. Hina-Matsuri

**Madison**: I plan to have a hina-matsuri party at my house.

**Sakura**: Wow! You mean the doll festival on March 3rd. Sounds real great!

**Madison**: I invite you to the party, Sakura. I made a pretty costume for twelve-layered ceremonial robe just for you.

**Sakura**: What? You mean I'm supposed to be the hina doll? Come on, Madison, I'd rather like an ordinary party...

**Rita**: I love to see those hina dolls, but people say you've got to put them away as soon as the festival's over.

**Nikki**: True. If you leave them out late, you'd get married way too late. Dad said that to me.

**Sakura**: Is that true?

**Zachary**: Yeah, that's because the dolls are some kind of amulet.

**Chelsea**: Not again...

**Rita**: The doll festival is for girls, but you know about it?

**Zachary**: Of course, I do. Who do you think I am? Class president, you know.

**Chelsea**: Back off. Don't make me hurt you.

**Sakura**: Hoee...

**Zachary**: Anyway, hina-matsuri, the doll festival started in Japan in Heian period, more than 1,000 years ago. They used to throw paper dolls into a river, for an incantation to take their bad luck away.

**Nikki**: But we don't have that habit, do we?

**Zachary**: As a matter of fact, in Edo period, they start displaying their dolls just like we do. However, the mystical meaning still remained, they believed that the dolls would eat bad luck for you.

**Nikki**: Kind of nice.

**Zachary**: And that's not all. If there's an enormous bad luck standing ahead, the hina doll ends up picking up its own spirit to stand up against the bad luck.

**Sakura**: Own spirit? Hoeee...

**Zachary**: Once it gets its own spirit, the doll gets its hair growing, wanders about at night, and eats puddings and joll-Os in the fridge.

**Madison**: Sakura, are you all right?

**Sakura**: Unnnh...

**Zachary**: Did I scare you, Sakura? Sorry, but don't be afraid. Ordinary people don't have so powerful bad luck as to let that happen. But some people have strong powers enough to attract bad luck, though.

**Sakura**: Strong powers?

**Zachary**: Yeah, like sixth sense or something... I mean, the people who can have prophetc dreams...

**Sakura**: Hoeeee!

**Madison**: Too bad, Zach, that was the critical blow for Sakura.

**Zachary**: What do you mean?

[NOTE] Hina-matsuri is the doll festival held in Japan on March 3rd, when they display hina dolls casting a wish of their daughters' growth in good luck. The set of dolls consists of Emperor and Emperess arranged on the top, three court ladies, and five musicians.

* * *

10. Piece of Cake

In the home ec class, Sakura and the others have baked cake.

**Madison**: Wow, Sakura, you baked your cake really great! Are you giving those to someone?

**Sakura**: Thanks, and yeah, I promised Ms. Mackenzie and Julian that I'll give one to each.

**Madison**: Heh heh heh.

**Zachary**: Did you know cake used to be an offering to the God they worshiped?

**Sakura**: Hoe?

**Zachary**: People used to believe that Gods and Goddesses loved sweets, so they used to offer cake to the God they worshiped at the harvest festival and such. It is well known that people considered Cerberus (Keroberos), the gate keeper dog of Hades, loved sweets more than anything else.

**Sakura**: Oh, that sounds kind of convincible to me...

**Madison**: Heh, I know what you mean, Sakura.

**Zachary**: But through generations, people got to evaluate the grade of their worship by the size of the cake they baked. The biggest one ever recorded was almost as huge as a gymnasium that was offered to...

**Chelsea**: Hey, Zachary!

**Zachary**: Aw! I'm sorry that...

**Chelsea**: Sorry for what?

**Zachary**: Haha, never mind. So what is it?

**Chelsea**: You want me to taste the cake you just baked? Let's see.

**Zachary**: Don't!

**Chelsea**: What's wrong?

**Zachary**: Uh, I'm gonna give this to Ms. Mackenzie, so...

**Chelsea**: What?! You're giving one to Ms. Mackenzie instead of me? How dare you?

**Zachary**: That's not it. I mean, I baked another for you, Chelsea. Here you go.

**Chelsea**: Both look all the same to me. How come I can't take this one?! Definitely suspicious. Now, you eat this!

Chelsea thrusts the cake for Ms. Mackenzie into Zachary's mouth, and no sooner had the cake gone down through his throat he collapses into asleep.

**Chelsea**: Hmph, hypnotics. I knew he was up to no good. I'll go dump this sicko.

Chelsea drags him out of the spot.

**Madison**: I'll bet she's gonna leave him on a railway track this time, what do you think?

**Sakura**: Hoeee...


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry to Cardcaptors haters...

These skits are written with characters referred to as Cardcapters names. For instance, Sakura Kinomoto is referred to as Sakura Avalon, Syaoran Li as Li Showron, Tomoyo Daidouji as Madison Taylor, Takashi Yamazaki as Zachary, Kaho Mizuki as Layla MacKenzie, etc.

Preface

These skits are made-up conversation featuring Zachary's (Yamazaki's) untrue stories. I hope you readers will enjoyed and laugh reading the skits. Thank you.

**Zachary's Lecture**

by Yuki Neco

* * *

11. Valentine's Day in Japan

**Sakura**: Hey, I heard that Japanese girls give chocolate to the boys they love on Valentine's Day. Did you know it?

**Madison**: Yeah, you're right. I remember the hearing that a snack company started it for their sales strategy.

**Sakura**: Is that how it all began?

**Zachary**: No, no. The chocolate giving custom started many years prior.

**Sakura**: Are you sure?

**Zachary**: Yep. In Edo period, this _samurai_ imported chocolate for the first time in the history of Japan. He heard that in the central Africa they used chocolate powder to fall into a trance, channeling the spiritual world.

**Madison**: Oh, it's kind of like some guys intoxicate someone with the chocolate in which they put aphrodisiac agent or ?

**Zachary**: Ooh...^^; Anyway, the _samurai_ succeeded in calling the spirit of his mother who had died a few years before. Then inspired people started to offer chocolate to condole on someone precious when they died. And as the time went by, the tradition changed, so they gave chocolate to someone they were in love with.

**Chelsea**: OK, thanks for a nice lecture. Come with me, jerk!

**Zachary**: Aw! What are you doing?

**Chelsea**: Stop lying, or else I'll send you into the spiritual world.

**Sakura**: Uh, Madison, I was fooled by his story again, wasn't I?

**Madison**: Heh, I suppose so.

* * *

12. Cyber Flu

**Madison**: Oh, my gosh! That again, give me a break.

**Li**: What happened?

**Madison**: Oh, Li and Sakura, these virulent mails have been annoying me these days. Four or five a day with Novarg, Mydoom, and somthing like that.

**Sakura**: What a bummer.

**Madison**: They say that an anti-virus company is ready to pay $250,000 for information to arrest the creator of the computer virus.

**Sakura**: Wow!

**Zachary**: But this time is a complicated case.

**Li**: Why?

**Zachary**: This time the virus spread more rapidly than any other cases in the past. This is not just a computer virus.

**Madison**: What do you mean?

**Zachary**: Some scientists say that the source of infection was in Asia. As a matter of fact, some experts believe that it's complicated by the bird flu in Vietnam.

**Li**: Are you saying the bird flu infected computers? That's impossible!

**Zachary**: Don't take the flu so easy, Li. There are a lot of possible carriers to transmit virus to far-off places. It's well known that migratory birds carry flu a thousand miles. However, there was this report that another bird flu was found in the U.S., more than 10,000 miles from Asia. That's beyond the reach of migratory birds. In that case, what could carry the virus so far away?

**Sakura**: The internet.

**Zachary**: Yes, Sakura, you have a good guess! The bird flu infecting a computer turned into a variant such as Novarg and Mydoom, and spread all over the world. And then it infected a chicken in the U.S.

**Sakura**: Horrible. So can it infect humans?

**Zachary**: There's no worry on that score, Sakura. It was originally a bird flu that doesn't infect us humans.

**Sakura**: That's a relief...

**Li**: Hey, I guess it's just one of your untrue stories, isn't it?

**Zachary**: Why, Li? How do you know?

**Li**: Just because Chelsea behind you is about to hammer your head.

* * *

13. Demoted Planet

**Rita**: Hey, guys. Did you know the news that the Pluto, the outermost plenet, is no longer a planet?

**Madison**: Yeah, that's what scientists' commuttee decided, but I kind of miss something when there's one less planets.

**Sakura**: What? What's it all about?

**Zachary**: All of us believed that there were nine planets revolving around the sun like the earth.

**Eli**: Huh? I suppose the earth is just a huge flat piece of ground that is supported by elephants, standing on a gigantic turtle.

**Li**: Are you sure?

**Eli**: Don't take it so seriously. I was just kidding.

**Li**: Yea... I know.

**Zachary**: _Oops... I should've started the story like that._  
You know, the International Astronimical Union has stated the pluto was not a planet, and now the number of the planets is eight.

**Rita**: It revolves around the sun like the others, but why did they have to demote the Pluto?

**Zachary**: Scientists knew that the planet-like object is different than planets in some criteria.

**Sakura**: It's like... Meilin had to leave the show in the middle of the series just because she was just a burden against the Final Judgement and the later development of S+S storyline?

**Madison**: Oh, Sakura...

**Zachary**: The Pluto was discovered much later than any other planets; that's because it hates being watched. When someone trains a telescope, it hides away, so it was never discovered until 1930.

**Chelsea**: Beginning to sound nonsense...

**Zachary**: It's so badly-behaved that it sometimes breaks inside the Neptune's orbit, and that once it gets going it wouldn't come back to where it was at least for 248 years, and such. That's why the astronomical union decided to take its name out of the planet list, as undesirable.

**Sakura**: I didn't know the Pluto was such a bad guy.

**Chelsea**: And, I found one more bad guy here. Come with me jerk!

Chelsea pulls him by the earlobe, dragging him away.

**Zachary**: Talking about planets, they spin on their own for a profound reason. To tell your the truth, in billions of years ago...

**Chelsea**: Stop spinning your stories, or I'll blow you up with Plutonium.


End file.
